A Life in Letters - Ann Landers' Letters to Her Only Child

RELEASE: SUNDAY, JULY 27, 2003

Editor's Note: Hundreds of Ann Landers' loyal readers have requested that newspapers continue to publish her columns. These letters originally appeared in 1996.

Dear Ann Landers: I'm confused and hurt. My husband and I have been married for 25 years. Some years ago, a family moved close to us. The wife (I'll call her "Judy") did not work and began spending several hours a day "visiting" in my husband's workshop.

Judy's husband divorced her five years ago, and my husband gave her a job in our small business. Since then, my husband has insisted on taking Judy practically everywhere we go -- eating out, Sunday drives, to church and so on. Any trip concerning the business means she must go "so she can learn." When Judy mentioned going shopping recently, my husband asked if she had enough money. He said, "You know, as a single mother, her salary doesn't go very far."

I realize the necessity of helping others, but I believe my husband has gone over the line. Whenever I try to tell him how I feel about this "friendship," he gets upset. Even the slightest criticism of Judy makes him angry.

Am I being unfair, as he claims? I love my husband dearly and hate to think of ending my marriage, but he acts as if he has two wives. I feel threatened and have developed an active dislike for Judy. What's worse, I don't feel that I can trust my judgment any longer. Please help me sort this out. -- Confused in Kentucky

Dear Kentucky: There's nothing wrong with your judgment. You have every reason to resent your husband's closeness to Judy.

Stop playing the role of "wounded wife." Don't nag, threaten or kick him out. Be sweet and adorable to Judy. She won't know what to make of it. I predict that a complete change in tactics will throw them both for a loop and put you in the winner's circle.

Dear Ann Landers: I am 62 years old, and my wife, "Emily," is 60. We have been married for 35 years and have two children, several grandchildren and a good, solid family life together.

A few weeks ago, Emily confessed that she'd had a seven-year affair during our marriage. The affair ended 25 years ago. This surprised and hurt me deeply. I love my wife and family, and I know she loves me. Emily has always been a wonderful wife and mother. Everyone who knows her respects and admires her. She made a mistake. When she asked me to forgive her, I did so without hesitation.

Here is the problem. I know who her lover was. I found out where he lives, and I want to confront him -- not physically, just by telephone. No man should get away with this kind of adulterous behavior and not pay a price. He had a family, too, and he knew she was married. Both of them were equally to blame. Emily has paid her price, and now I am paying, too, but this guy has had a free ride.

I am not a vindictive person, and I have no interest in telling his wife what I know. But I would like to let him know if he goes to hell, I hope he has a good trip. Should I? -- Hurting in New Jersey

Dear Hurting: The affair ended 25 years ago? I am at a loss to understand why your wife decided, after all these years, to make this confession.

My advice is to let it go. I see no good purpose being served by opening this old wound again. It would only result in more embarrassment and pain. Nothing positive would be accomplished.

RELEASE: SUNDAY, JULY 13, 2003

Editor's Note: Hundreds of Ann Landers' loyal readers have requested that newspapers continue to publish her columns. These letters originally appeared in 1990.

Dear Ann Landers: The issue here is stepchildren. Both my husband and I have them, and we are trying to be fair. My children are tots, and his are college-age. "Hank" has to adjust to having little ones around again, and I must adjust to having kids old enough to do as they please.

This is where we have trouble: The big guys have never been asked to take out the trash, clean a bathroom or hang up their clothes. When Hank asks them to stick around and help out, they always have plans and leave. He says, "Oh well, they're grown." I say, "If they're so grown, how come they are still living with us and paying nothing?"

Hank says his kids have a right to live here just like mine. I agree, but his aren't youngsters anymore. I'm only eight years older than his oldest son.

Why doesn't Hank see that his sons aren't learning how to function in the real world when they enjoy all the privileges of adults and accept none of the responsibilities? Their dad has tried to get them to pay $10 a week to help with groceries.

The 20-year-old has never given us a dime, and his dad hasn't pushed it. One day last week, Hank lost his temper and threatened to put the kid's belongings on the porch if he didn't start helping out. Ten minutes later, he went running after him and apologized because he didn't want him to be mad. What can I do besides be patient and hope they leave before I'm on Social Security? -- Stepped On In Florida

Dear Florida: If ever I saw a situation that cries out for counseling, it's yours. As things stand, everybody is sure to lose. Since the majority of second- and third-marriage failures are caused by problems with the stepchildren, I suggest that you make an appointment with a family therapist as soon as possible.

Dear Ann Landers: Please say a word on behalf of all the lonely and rejected children who never get invited to birthday parties. Children tend to ask attractive and popular classmates, because they want to get on the good side of these "stars." In a way, it's a social bribe.

Parents, please encourage your children to invite two or three classmates who may not be at the top of their friendship list. It would mean so much to the youngsters who aren't outstanding or accomplished. I know, because my 11-year-old son is one of them. -- Caring Colorado Mom

Dear Mom: You have made a splendid suggestion, one that I hope will be taken seriously by all parents who read this column.

Children need to be taught kindness at an early age. I can think of no better way than by pointing out that they must include classmates and acquaintances who aren't especially good-looking or popular. This can make a big difference in the way a child thinks about relationships throughout his or her life.

Dear Ann Landers: A man I work with has a lovely wife who is about 35. He keeps saying if anything happens to "Erma," he's going to marry a woman over 40, because, "They don't yell. They don't tell. They don't swell. And they're grateful as hell." What do you think about this creep's reasoning? -- South Bend, Ind.

Dear S.B.: The creep is mistaken. These days, women over 40 yell, they tell, and they also swell. And often their gratitude is expressed with a paternity suit.

What can you give the person who has everything? Ann Landers' booklet, "Gems," is ideal for a nightstand or coffee table. "Gems" is a collection of Ann Landers' most requested poems and essays. Send a self-addressed, long, business-size envelope and a check or money order for $5.25 (this includes postage and handling) to: Gems, c/o Ann Landers, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. (In Canada, send $6.25.) To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com.